my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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