I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she peed on how many people?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
