how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
