I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
