Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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