the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
