dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
