A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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