The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
