she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
