i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
