She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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