Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
