HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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