U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
