I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
