I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
