I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
