Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
