I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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