Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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