She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
