Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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