I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
