First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
