Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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