My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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