Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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