She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I touched a dick in church today
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
