we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
