You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
