the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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