Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
