I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
