its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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