I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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