Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
