boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
