She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
