Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
