Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
