i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
