Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
