Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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