my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
