You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The Olympian is in my bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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