Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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