You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
