Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
