did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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