Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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