Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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